Defining Depression
The following contribution was provided to MommyGyver to publish on the author's behalf. She speaks about depression here from first hand experience and I believe her perspective is an important one to share. Please read this with an open mind, as it was written by a woman suffering from depression and is in no way represented to be a clinical or doctoral article. Below: The reason I am writing this is to address an epidemic that is heavily portrayed in all forms of media. Whether I am responding to recent “popular” suicides, certain shows that portray suicide or just other people's’ experiences with depression, I feel the need to open my mouth. Unfortunately, I am not comfortable being public with my problems, so I am doing it this way to keep some anonymity.
As for my back story: I am in my mid 30s, a mother, came from a 2 parent household that was upper middle class, loving parents, 2 older siblings, and a pretty “fortunate” life. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety, and a non specific mood disorder in my teens. 2 decades later, they still apply. Both with and without medication and therapy, my life has been a struggle as long as I can remember. I have learned some coping mechanisms, but nothing is 100%.
I feel these stories don’t even begin to cover what they need to. In fact, some are total bullshit! Sorry to sound cruel, but give me a break with some of these. If you want to raise awareness, don’t go for rating, put pictures of your messy self, hash tag it, or your “long face”. Explain to people what it feels like without worrying about bullshit! I’m tired of the monster being portrayed for profit and attention. It is not fixable that way!!!! If it were, all those famous people wouldn’t have committed suicide! They had everything, and it still wasn’t enough.
Here is my explanation, as real as it can be.
Depression is: A cycle and it is suffocating
Like normal people, we have the normal “Life Happens” cycle of how well we are. We have the ups and downs, but ours reach new levels, and the “bad days” last longer. We smile, help, attempt to feel hope (sometimes we do, but it’s always temporary), and do all the things everyone else does. We aren’t sad 100% of the time, but we always have it in the back of our heads, “When will the downs start?” or “when will this end?” That feeling makes it hard to enjoy anything long term.
Depression is: Not wanting to live
I want you to know that this does not mean we want to die. We just don’t want to live. This is why we shut down and lay around for weeks at a time. It is hard to live, to have a social life, and it is even harder to function. Normal activities (such as hygiene, going to the store, cooking, and then some) are physically hard and emotionally draining. Our minds and thoughts are hurting us, and it’s exhausting! The further we get into our hole, the harder it gets to climb out. It is easier to fade out than just get up and do what needs to be done. We have no means of expressing it sometimes, and that makes it worse.
Unfortunately for us, we know if life gets too hard, we have our “permanent solution“to fix the issue. It is usually our last resort. Once we get to that point and make the decision to commit suicide, anything can be the final trigger! Big events or small meaningless things can trigger the final straw. Fuck, when we are “ready”, the fact it’s sunny outside can trigger it.
Depression is: Feeling everything, loving and hurting too hard
Many of us care and love more than you can imagine. Not so much loving ourselves, but other people. We care about society as whole, even if we have been wronged. We feel both good and bad, to the point where it all hurts. Many people love something/someone so much it hurts, but we are like that ALL THE TIME WITH MOST THINGS!
When our feelings are hurt, we take it so personally. Even if it was unintentional, with no maliciousness, we just can’t stop and get over it. We dwell, and question ourselves and all our choices. We figure out ways to rid ourselves of this pain, or at least prevent it from happening again.
We also feel when others hurt, from loved ones to total strangers. We don’t like the sadness and pain of others, yet we are portrayed as “selfish and not caring”. That is so far from the truth. We care too much, and usually do nothing for ourselves. This causes us to retreat or form a shell.
Depression is: Our strength and passion
Our passion is one of our main strengths. This is why you see many famous people with depression become so successful, cause social changes, and be such great role models. They care because they get it. They know the truest and hardest feelings of low, and hope that no one ever feels that way. They try to fix it for everyone they can. They make beautiful music, are some of the best actors/actresses, and others write wonderful stories. The feelings they have and had in their lives, once they find a way to express them, reach so many people. Their talents make us feel something real, even if it’s a fictitious story.
When we go through our cycles and hit a good spot, our one motive is to stay better and make others feel better. We want to not feel this way, and we do everything we can to never get down again. We over achieve and believe we can do anything. We put 110% into things when we hit that part of the cycle.
Depression is: Constant, ongoing, hopelessness, and our weakness
It never ends and we know it. It is a hopeless fight for us, and we just want to get through it without hurting anyone. There is nothing like being told, “Learn coping mechanisms and make sure you always have meds handy just in case”. Asking for help seems pointless at most times.
Many of us were born this way or it developed when we hit puberty. We are already lonely, and knowing we are naturally broken sucks. Knowing that even our bandages and meds aren’t 100% sucks. Knowing we can’t just fix this sucks. Knowing that my parents think they failed me sucks. Knowing that I have lost friends because of this sucks. Knowing that I will reach another down cycle sucks. Most importantly to me (personally) is knowing that my kids have a higher chance to develop this demon, and it sucks.
Want to help? Here’s how
1) Stop judging
We’ve all heard it before, “You never know someone else’s battles”. You don’t, the same way I don’t. That person dressed like shit with messy hair at the store that you mocked online…maybe she’s finally out of bed for the first time in weeks. That fat chick whose clothes don’t fit right (ME)…she eats a ton when she hits her low. Just make eye contact with everyone you meet and smile. That could be the best thing that happens to them. Maybe even say hi!
2) Put down the technology! -Friends
Social media has some wonderful things about it. I have met some amazing new people, and kept in touch with the few friends I have since they either moved or it is easier than leaving the house.
Visiting someone you know that has a problem would make their day! You would be amazed at how nice it is for me to sit and have coffee with a friend, with no phones and no judgment. Real life cannot be substituted with social media, yet society has gotten to that point. People don’t know how to socialize anymore, and that hurts everyone.
3) Put down the technology! –Family
I grew up in a very loving home. The technology was different then, and cell phones were not an “every person” thing. I remember sitting with my family, enjoying a tv show or family dinner. We would talk and laugh. We went out and did things together (even when I resisted, I was forced to). There are many times this history saved my life and family, with the first time being the most important and setting up a stage that has lasted the rest of my life so far. This particular time (first) is when, out of nowhere, I wanted to die. I just wanted to be done with the fucked up thing that has set itself up in my soul. That thing that makes it hard for me to breathe and function. It’s the never ending hopelessness that I kept inside. It’s the loneliness that made me cringe and cry. It’s the, “I see no future that would ever be worth it” deep down soul shattering depression. My note was written and I was ready. The first and only time I cried for help, and the final determining factor on when I will die. I told my mother some things, and they were definitely off. She recognized it wasn’t normal teen angst, but a desperate cry for help. She did what a mom should do and got me help. This was the first time I was medicated and put in therapy. Here I am 2 decades later still wrestling this demon. I’m doing it for the ones that would do it for me. It is actually a good feeling to know I am loved that much.
Technology separates us from the ones we love to an extent. I have seen families where all 3-7 members sit on their phones during dinner. They barely speak. The parents don’t know their kids, except if they stalk them online. Their kids’ cries would never be heard. SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY! This way, they know you love them and there is something worth fighting for. They also know they can come to you, and you’d recognize their personality and any changes. It is not 100%, but it may be the final determining factor.
4) Spread awareness and treat people right
The best way to spread awareness is to educate both yourself and others (especially children), and set an example of how to treat people. Not one person is better than me, nor am I better than anyone else. We should all accept and be accepted by others, even if we’re total opposites and completely different. We won’t like everyone we meet and that’s okay, but we should all show a minimal level of respect for the fact they are human. I am not saying we all need to go out of the way to help and make good with people, but we just need to learn to cause no harm to others.
This is pretty much it –when I’m not down. I’ve had a few good months here with all the stress and BS in life. Feel free to comment, critique, or even disagree with what has been written. From my experience and observations of others, this is as close to explaining depression as I can get.
For those of you that suffer from this or any other psychiatric issue, here is my advice to you.
Seek help, even if you do so independently. Express how you feel, even if you’re uncomfortable. I cannot guarantee it will get better, but know you are not alone in this struggle. I personally feel for you, and I know many others do too. We are not judging you and appreciate the wonderful things you have to offer. They may seem mundane to you, but they are all part of the “human spirit” than we no longer see that often. Most importantly, be selfish when you need to. Some will think you are dramatic, but sometimes you need to find breathing room. It could save your life.