Parenting and the Internet
How to parent your children with regard to healthy use of the internet is a topic that inspires much debate. Some parents allow unrestricted access and some have their children's internet locked down harder than Fort Knox. Most seem to live in the gray area between the two.
I'm going to share our household's rules with you, and by no means am I going to say that we're right and there is no other way to work with your children on safe internet use. I am however, going to go into depth with some of the dangers that maybe most parents might not consider when letting their kids plug in. I am going to share personal experiences, and experiences with friends and their children. I hope that whomever reads this takes away many lessons, but even if you disagree totally, please leave with one important lesson only: Our world is not a safe place. It is our job as parents to protect our children from harm. With those two points considered, it is our responsibility to maintain an up to date understanding of the risks associated with our children being infinitely more connected to the internet than we were, and what we can do to keep them safe. The first example of danger our children may encounter is while playing video games either via computer or gaming systems. Games are becoming ever more interactive, and players have the ability in a growing number of games to talk directly to other players. Chats, groups, and one one one communication is normal. Players can invite other players to participate in games together, and they have the ability to send messages to one another inside of the game, or on the gaming system's main menu via the user's handle. Most parents don't realize that just because a game might be geared toward a certain age group- does not mean that a potential danger couldn't be hiding behind a false profile. One example was quite a few years ago when my brother was still living at home. He had begged me to buy a Sim City game for him to use on his computer. The computer was located in his bedroom, and both my mother and I were none the wiser that this particular game needed access to the internet and there was a capability to communicate with other players. At that time, the communication factor between players was still a relatively new concept, and neither of us even considered that to be a risk. My brother began communication with other players in the game, and notified me when he began to get threatening messages from another player somehow (I'm still not clear if he had provided his email address or if this was taking place inside the game) and the player, through communicating with my brother had learned what school he attended, his age, and the town he resided in. Nothing ever came of this thankfully. My mother took the game away, and I wrote a letter to the corporate offices for the retail store that sold the game, suggesting that perhaps games that require access to the internet- or that can interact with other players be kept in a different area of the store. Perhaps better education for the sales staff should also be considered, etc. Times have changed very extensively since then, and it can now be assumed that games have access to other online players. Parents need to be diligent and explain the dangers associated with communicating with strange people online- that you can't always know who the other person is, no matter what their profile says, and no matter what THEY say. The next example I have for you goes back even farther. Over 20 years ago when I was a teen, living at home- in the age of ancient dial up and AOL chat rooms... I was that stupid teen. I started talking to someone that claimed to be my age, going to the school just the next town over from me. He was really cute from the pictures he emailed me. I remember he said his name was Mark. I would long on every day at the same time to IM chat with Mark. After several weeks, he said he wanted to send me something for my birthday that was coming up. I wasn't comfortable giving him my home address, but I gave him the mailing address to my school, and the name of my homeroom teacher. We had also discussed meeting at one point, but he was always busy with after school activities and family events that it never seemed like we would meet. Never, not once in my young, naive mind, did I think Mark was anyone other than who he said he was. Eventually I trusted him, and I did give him my address. As a grown woman and a parent now, it is extremely hard for me to admit how foolish I had been. I trusted everything this person had told me. Everything. After all, I was telling the truth about who I was, why wouldn't he? One day I had come home from school and checked the mailbox. A letter was inside addressed to me- with a return address from an out of state prison I knew no one in that state that I could think of. I nervously opened it, and as I began reading the letter, I became extremely queasy. The letter was from Mark. In this letter, he professed his love for me. At that time, I was barely 15 years old. He went on to talk about how when he got out, he was going to come and pick me up, and we would be together at last, forever. This made me extremely nervous. In all of our talking, our conversations never went past occasional playful flirting. There was no exchange of any real interest between us. We had really only discussed our likes and dislikes, things we studied in school, and other innocuous topics. There had been no conversation that would have eluded to us wanting to 'be together'. I thought we were just two kids in the same general area getting to know each other and wanting to meet in person one day. The equivalent of what having a 'Facebook friend' is to some of us now... I digress- this letter went on to explain that he was not 16, and he did not live the next town over. He was 35 and very much in prison. He never said why he was in prison, just that he had been there for a little while, but was getting out really soon. I was SCARED. I was definitely afraid of him, but more so I was afraid of what my mother was going to do if she found out about this. I went online that day and I asked him a number of questions- from how someone in prison could use the internet to why he thought we were going to be a couple. I told him he scared me. I was upset that he had lied, and I did not want to speak to him again. I deleted that IM name, my email address, and I decided that I was going to put the whole thing behind me and not tell my mother. Surely he would forget about me and that would be the last I heard of him. If I deleted the messages, I'd delete him from reality too, right? Wrong. More letters started coming, and I was absolutely terrified. I had to tell my mom. Shaking, I took the last letter I had received downstairs to my mom who was sitting at the kitchen table. I could feel the color leave my face as I opened my mouth to speak to her. I managed to get- "Mom, I need to..." out of my mouth just as the phone rang. She answered it, looked at me as she asked who was calling. She handed me the phone and said- "It's for you. Someone named Mark." I almost fainted. No. Nononono. I didn't give him my phone number. Why was he calling me? HOW was he calling me??? Oh my God. My hands were shaking so hard at this point, I could barely hold the phone to my ear. I whispered- "Hello?" and a very familiar voice was on the other end. It was my aunt. My mother was glaring at me as my aunt went OFF in my ear about how stupid I was. How much danger I had put myself and my family in, and how lucky I was that it was HER and not some crazy child molester that was talking to me on the other end of the computer. I didn't know if I was going to faint from relief or from embarrassment. I was sick to my stomach- absolutely mortified as I handed the phone back to my mother and excused myself to my room. She never said a word. Not one. She just glared at me silently for days. Now that I'm a mom, I can't blame her or my aunt for what either of them did. I don't know how I would respond, or what I would do in that situation if I had found out that my daughter was doing what I had. Truth be told, I'm not sure what transpired that made my mom nervous about my online activities. This "Mark" person happened to be the only person I had given my information to. First and last time, for sure! But something told her that she needed to put the fear of God into me about using the internet, and this was her somewhat sick way of getting her point across before I got myself into real trouble. It worked! My third example is a story from just a couple of years ago. My friend's son was about 7 and in his new school program, the kids had homework that needed to be done on a computer. My friend always kept her laptop on and open, and she had set up a second user account for her son to use whenever he needed to. She had been diligent in locking down the parental controls to his screen name, and she kept the computer in the main family area of her home to keep an eye on him better. One day, it was as simple as she forgot to log off her screen name before her son sat down to do his homework and play a kiddie game online. I guess he must have either decided to play the game first, or saw something that wasn't normal under his screen name, because he very quickly realized he was logged in to his mom's account. Mom was in and out of the room and never thought about what he was doing, and under whose name. She just assumed he was in his account as he always was. It wasn't until a couple days later that she went and logged on to her computer that she noticed something was very wrong. She went into her browser history to pull up a website she had just looked at the last time she was online- and realized that her 7 year old had inadvertently been searching for child pornography. He was of the age where he was starting to notice little girls in his class as "pretty", and had simply typed into google- "pretty girls", "pretty 7 year old girl", and "7 year old boobies". She called me immediately and in a panic. She didn't know what to do, because apparently he had accessed some questionable material in his searches. She was upset, disgusted, and extremely worried that something would happen to her legally. I mean, none of us really know what happens in that scenario. Does the SWAT team come parachuting through your windows? Do you ping some weirdo watchlist? I can tell you I don't know, don't want to know, and never want to feel the way she did that day. She was legitimately scared and I can not blame her! Nothing ended up coming from it. She had a VERY strong talk with her son, and became extremely diligent with internet rules and always kept a watchful eye over his shoulder from then on. But it was humbling to discover that something so simple as forgetting to log out of her own computer could have opened up the world of the internet to her son- and could have caused some major issues for her family. Call that another hard lesson learned. My last example involves my household- and an experience we had just this weekend. I am not an advocate for children having access to electronics all day. I feel like if you stick your child in front of a device, that device takes over. Too many video games equals not enough playing outside. Too much TV leads to bad habits, and so on. My daughter had a tablet for playing music on, and she had a couple learning games, but she was only allowed to play the games for a short period of time as a reward for good behavior. The tablet was not connected to the internet. Then my husband bought my stepson a Nabi. Dad was very diligent about locking the internet access, and Nabi was once again only allowed to be used for a certain amount of time each day. We do not allow our children to play with our own laptops, tablets, or phones. These belong to adults, they are tools for adults, and the kids do not challenge this at all. It's a rule that has always been, and it's a non-issue. My stepson came over this weekend with an old cellphone that his mom had given him to play some games on, use as a camera, and just have as a cool toy. I didn't like it, dad saw the look on my face, and he gave me the- "Relax, it's no big thing- I've got this" look. So, being the holiday weekend, we were of course running around the house. I'm going in and out from the kitchen to the back yard. We live on the water and decided to grill down there while we fished and enjoyed the weekend in the sun. The baby was safely wrangled in one of his playpens. When I was indoors, he was with me. When I was outdoors, he was right next to me there too. I thought for sure that my husband had the other one right next to him. But he's 6- and gaining his independence, so it's not unusual for him to go off and play alone in his room or another part of the house. I had walked inside to use the washroom, and I happened to walk in on my stepson in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, playing with the camera function on his phone. First, please insert joke about boys and their obsession with their boy parts. They never grow out of it. It's a thing. If you have a baby boy, the faster you realize that once THEY realize they have those pieces- they never forget they have those pieces. Moms, boys are gross. Just remember I warned you first. You're welcome. So here he is, impressed with himself enough that he thought it would be hysterical to snap a picture of his stuff. I can't understand the logic, but I also understand that a 6 year old doesn't really utilize logic. Of course it couldn't be dad that had to walk in on this. It had to be me. The step mom. "Ok, breathe, do not embarrass him" I thought to myself. "Take the phone... wait, ew. No. Don't take the phone. Burn the phone" I thought to myself... I calmly said- "Whatever you just did, erase it. Now. When you've done that, please finish up, wash your hands- and wipe down the phone, and come out to the living room." He was embarrassed just from me walking in on him. I didn't want to make him cry, and I didn't want him to shut down before we could talk to him about what had just happened. I had already explained to dad what I walked in on. He was half amused, half uncomfortable. It wasn't until I took the phone that I realized that it was connected to the internet. Before little man decided to commemorate his junk in photos, he had gone on an app downloading spree. There was no connection between the apps and the pictures, but it sure made the two of us think about the what ifs. What if he accidentally sent them to someone? What if we didn't catch him? What if he lost the phone?
Essentially, it was this experience that made me think to write this all out for you tonight.
How many times do we see while on Facebook, a photo is posted and it says something like- "I'm trying to show my class how far and fast a photo can travel the internet. Please comment below with where you're from." Now insert the creative photography skills of a 6 year old boy into that scenario. My stomach turned. How many of those type of photos do we need to see before we realize that our children could be blasting photos of themselves inadvertently all over the internet? My husband and I tried not to overreact with him tonight, but it definitely set the gears in motion to have a real come to Jesus stranger danger talk with him today. We talked about the app downloads, but we take responsibility for that. I'm not sure how he got connected to the internet. Ours is password protected via random alphanumerical generator. Maybe one of our neighbors' wifi was open. But again, who would have thought a 6 year old would have figured that out? What he learned is that it's not ok for him to ever play like that with his phone, of course. But we used that to discuss the real scary stuff that exists on the internet and in the real world. If you ask him what a parent's job is, he will say- "To keep their kids safe." Yes. But then I asked him- "Safe from what?" He looked at me. "I don't understand. Safe from everything?" And that's when we were able to say that it's hard to protect your child when you can't even think of what COULD be. WHO could be on the other end. It's easy to fight a bad guy in front of you that you can see. But what if you don't know where the bad guy is? Or what kind of bad guy he is? Do you know how scary that is for a mommy and daddy to not even know what kind of monsters may be out there? And isn't that really what it comes down to? We just don't know what's out there. A parent lives for their kids, to keep them out of harm's way, keep the danger far, far away. But we can only imagine so much. Technology is advancing way faster than our imaginations can. With the advancement of technology comes the ever growing risks to our children's safety. It isn't about thinking of every possible scenario and safeguarding against it. It would be impossible. But the line of communication needs to be open about the risks, parents need to be diligent, and the rules need to be firm and clear. From my experience today, we learned that any opportunity a child gets to test a boundary- they will. We were made to protect our children, and they were made to give us heart attacks... In all seriousness, it's important that you know what your kids are doing at all times, and it's even more important to never underestimate their ability to figure out a way past a boundary you set. Neither of us would have ever thought that a 6 year old would figure out how to get logged in to the internet, and when you think about a child and self-discovery, you tend to associate it with teenagers, not small children. I can't help but link the two issues today and count us grateful that we see the "what could have happened" before he figured out how to make it happen- or accidentally made it happen. "He's too young to know how to..." Is never a phrase that should be said when it involves the internet. Do not underestimate your children- especially based on age. Be prepared, be educated, be diligent when it comes to keeping your kids protected online.
