Alert Caffeine Gum
In 2013, Wrigley introduced "Alert Energy Gum". I didn't get to try it back then before it was pulled right off the shelves just a few months after launch. The FDA had proclaimed they were beginning an investigation into caffeinated products due to concerns with the ingestion by children and teens. Wrigley then stated that they would wait for some kind of FDA guidelines before relaunching the gum. The FDA didn't do that, and I guess Wrigley got tired of waiting. They relaunched it as "Alert Caffeine Gum" recently and put a warning about kids and caffeine on the back. Boom. Corporate conscious cleared. Fast forward four years, and I'm at the grocery store yesterday. I see this cool, plastic-looking clear package that has the word "Alert" in bold letters. Now, my caffeine intake during the day rivals cross country truck drivers. I average 3-5 hours of sleep every night, and so help me, if you ring my doorbell before I've had coffee, I'm likely to tear out your eyes and stick them down your pants- just so you can watch me kick your ass down the block... but I digress. Mama needs her stimulant. 40 mg per piece only?? I think to myself- "I'd need to literally chop and snort this whole package to get a dent in my daily intake. Who can chew this much gum and not sound like a 60's New Jersey switchboard operator...?" Le sigh... Fine, I'll buy your stupid gum. Maybe, just maybe it will help me cut back on my caffeine intake? (cue maniacal laughter) Ok, yeah... I'm not going to lie. Totally looking for more ways to get more caffeine in my system. #basicbitchproblems At least I don't order Venti Mocachocalatayayas... or whatever the fuck they are. I'm a double espresso, straight up... like 15 times a day- chased with a Red Bull and a Rockstar for dessert. Yeah, I'm going to die. I know. Shut up. Anyhooooo... yeah, shaking like a fiend (not really, you trolls) I pop one of these things into my mouth. Now, let's all flash back to the face we made as kids when we accidentally ingested soap. Did you swat at your tongue too? Did you drool everywhere while you were trying to find a safe place to gag, gack, and hork while flailing like your arms were on fire? I did. What the fuck is in this stuff? Rat poison? Arsenic? The IMMEDIATE flavor of the "mint" gum is chemical. Looking at the back label I immediately understood. Phenylene. Gah. Nasty. It all tastes like I licked the floor of the Chevy factory assembly line. (((shudder))) Once you get past the taste of death by chemical intake, the very natural mint flavor comes to visit... briefly. When you pass the initial face slapping assault on your tongue and it dissipates (presumably into your blood stream, poisoning you slowly) the remaining taste is pleasant. Either that or I just can't taste shit right anymore. The texture of the gum is thin and stringy. Doesn't feel solid, and absolutely tells me that if I spit this out, I better wrap it in 45 layers of something and staple it shut because this is the shit gum that gets in your carpet somehow. (Looking at my dog, thinking about how I KNOW he's going to pull the turd diaper out of the trash when I go to sleep and will discover the gum, drag the whole mess onto my carpet and next thing you know, I'm blogging about how ice cubes and peanut butter don't do shit to get this silly putty, plastic-ish gum out of ANYTHING. Call me Ms. Cleo... I'll be right back. Need to take out the trash.) Also, I'm a little nervous about this crap in the house. My kids won't touch coffee or energy drinks- but I'm constantly taking gum from one, and the baby thinks everything is food right now. Enter little hand into my purse... then peeling baby off the ceiling... wondering how he got up there. Oh fuck, now there's gum up there too. Halllllp!!! What am I saying here? Don't buy this shit. Just don't buy it. If you have to, I have like 20 pieces left- I can send you one if you sign a waiver that you understand you can't sue me. Trust me, it tastes like a vat of something in Gotham City that Batman would take away from the Joker. Think Roger Rabbit and "Dip". Just don't do it. I'll stick to my chemical drinks and coffee- at least they don't taste like a chewy, gooey reminder of cardiac arrest.