What's best for breast is... mutual respect
Hot button topics create discussion, debate, and arguments. Those discussions turn into change. Change, for the most part- is a good thing. Breastfeeding used to be a very normal thing. After all, before there was the option of formula, there was only one option- breast. However you got a breast to your baby (your own, a wet nurse, a nursing friend) that's how your baby got fed. If those options weren't available to you for whatever reason, your baby starved. Times changed and as women became more powerful, able to have jobs, and were drawn away from the role of homemaker and "baby factory", formula became a readily accepted and needed option. Busy moms didn't have to sacrifice career for being homebound to ensure their babies were fed. Babies that had an issue nursing didn't have to starve- and babies that otherwise weren't being fed or fed enough were able to have a fighting chance. Formula feeding became the norm in America's culture and breastfeeding became taboo to many. With our society's oversexualization of breasts (breasts are used for marketing in every possible way as "sexy" but aren't really seen as what they were designed to be-"baby food") seeing a mother breastfeeding her child in public was (and still is) often met with outrage and disgust. Despite a strong movement to normalize breastfeeding, many still treat nursing moms badly. Earlier, on the MommyGyver Facebook page, I shared an article from Parents magazine that sparked quite a huge debate. A mother having a photo shoot stopped to tandem nurse her two hungry children. The photographer took photos (with mom's permission) and shared them on social media (with mom's permission as well). Responses to the article were mixed from comments of support and positivity, calling the photographs 'beautiful', to outrage. One of the children is three years old. Many commenters thought it was inappropriate to breastfeed a child of that age.
I shared the article on MommyGyver because most of us are moms, and after all, a topic involving moms should be good discussion fodder on a page for moms. I also shared my own opinion on the topic and I noticed something pretty interesting. People who were pro-breastfeeding were misinterpreting my comments to say something I didn't say. I saw one commenter flat out insult another commenter because she simply said she thought there should be some discretion when feeding your child. I understand why breastfeeding moms are defensive. But having to be defensive shouldn't create a need for anyone to become offensive. Breastfeeding is a very personal choice. The decision to, or not to breastfeed is for mom and mom alone to make. Whatever her choice is, it should be respected by the other side. Me? I'm pro-breastfeeding IF YOU CAN and you CHOOSE to. I don't think your boobs or your baby are any of MY business. I'll never give a mother a dirty look for feeding her baby in public, and I'll never expect her to cover up. HOWEVER, I will also never tell a formula feeding mom that she's wrong or that she is hurting her child. Just as breastfeeding moms get flak from those that are "grossed out", non-nursing moms get it just as badly. It needs to stop on both sides. Let me share a few stories from my own experiences for you: I wasn't always pro-breastfeeding. With my first child, I was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of it. A history of molestation made me extremely weird about my breasts as they related to a baby and I had a very emotional and negative response when it was suggested. I felt guilty because I couldn't get over it for my child, but the breastfeeding community didn't make it any easier. My former friend who epitomizes the moniker "crunchy mama" broke my trust. My daughter was less than two weeks old and during a conversation where my friend was asking if I was breastfeeding, I made the mistake of telling her the truth and the why behind it. To my face, she was understanding and didn't push. She dropped it and I thought to myself- "Wow. She's a great friend for understanding my boundaries." The next day, my opinion changed. She had contacted the branch of La Leche League nearest to me- and gave them my information. I was contacted by a cheerful and friendly woman that unfortunately had to deal with a very surprised and put off reaction from me- and a subsequent inquisition. During my questioning, she told me that my friend had explained that I gave her permission to sign me up for a call, that I was interested in breastfeeding but afraid to reach out on my own. She passed along my phone number and VERY personal information, including my history of molestation. I was furious and felt betrayed. No... whatever the feeling is after betrayal... it was that. It was the last time I'd speak to that friend for years, and ironically, her overstepping of my boundaries again caused me to terminate our friendship for a final time just in the last few years. That incident all but sealed my young mind's decision that breastfeeding was a cult and I wanted NO part of it. My daughter was formula fed from then on and I did NOT look back. Over the next decade, I'd mature and learn more. I'd grow interested in trying- and then I got pregnant with my second child. He was barely over a pound when he was born and couldn't nurse. Instead, I pumped for him. Pumping made me feel like I was doing something important to help him. His father donated blood to try and save him. Me, I got over myself and pumped. I felt powerful. I felt like I was giving him the ultimate gift and in the same motion, I was burying a horrible demon I carried with me for years. Of course, while I was pumping in my hospital room, there was a nurse shift change and in walks a bright eyed nurse that changed from bright eyed to bitch faced the moment she saw the pump. "You know, that's still not as good as breastfeeding. You should really consider it. I can show you how when they bring your baby in." I looked at her with murder in my eyes. "He's in an isolette. He CAN'T nurse. But way to read a fucking chart before you prance your judgement and unwanted advice through here." She was embarrassed and left the room. Someone must have been told or heard- but we never saw her again. After that, we put a sign up on the door when I was pumping. My husband took the job of screaming at anyone who dared enter. That nurse's judgement really hit me in my guilt and stuck with me. My son died less than two months into his life, and all the milk I tirelessly pumped was given to a friend who couldn't make enough milk for her own son. It was worth it after all. My last child was born and I was determined to breastfeed. In the hospital, I was still uptight about it and my milk would stop if someone other than my husband was in the room. Again, the sign went up and my husband donned the bulldog role once again- and this time, he KNEW how important this was to me so he was nothing short of vicious. I'll be forever grateful to him for that. Breastfeeding still wasn't beautiful to me. I had trouble. My right breast developed cysts and my supply stopped on that side. My son could only nurse on the left- and it was not producing enough to feed him. I had to pump when he wasn't nursing to keep supply up as much as I could, and supplement with formula as he grew. I remember being in a store and sitting down to nurse him because I was leaking. I didn't think about it, I just stuck him up my shirt and sat down. Within a few minutes a woman began to watch me. I was uncomfortable. She walked over and tried to high five me. I glared at her. Get out of my space. Later, I would be accosted at a Target because I had a bottle with me. The bottle was full of breastmilk and the woman who was screaming at me for being a formula feeding "failure of a mother" nearly got it dumped on her head. I've been on both sides of the debate. I've been anti and I've been pro. I've been pushed in a big way by the breastfeeding community, and I believe there are many that take the movement too far. My favorite was the breastfeeding zealot that took photos of herself breastfeeding her children and posted them to my page or messaged them to me because she assumed I wasn't breastfeeding. She was completely out of line, trying to show me what a "real" mother looks like. And I thought to myself- you have no idea what a real mother is. In my opinion, a mother feeds her child- HOWEVER she chooses to. A mother uplifts other mothers without pushing her opinions on other people. A mother doesn't use her children as political or social propaganda. A mother accepts there are many ways to be a mother. I don't agree with people that tell women to cover up. But I also don't agree with women that abuse the right to breastfeed how/wherever they want by being completely obnoxious about it. Don't cover, but don't taunt people around you with your bare breast. You can simply feed your baby without drawing attention to yourself for the PURPOSE of having attention on yourself. Breastfeeding openly doesn't mean you have the right to scream at people if they glance at you. You don't get to start fights with patrons at a store if they choose to be away from you while you nurse. People have the RIGHT to be uncomfortable and you have the RIGHT to be treated with respect- so long as you are acting respectfully. I know my own boundaries and I knew nursing in public wasn't going to work for me. I don't judge the mother who does, but I also don't sit right next to her when she does it. I'm uncomfortable- and mostly I'm uncomfortable FOR her. She deserves that quiet moment with her baby- and as a mom that struggled to nurse, I respect the privacy of a nursing mom, even if she's in public. I also don't agree with telling someone who is uncomfortable and admits that- that they're wrong to be uncomfortable. You don't know why they are. BUT if they're uncomfortable, they can move on. They don't have the right to belittle a nursing mother for doing her job. I don't think the comments in that article were necessarily talking about the quiet mom just feeding her kid and getting on with it, I think it's the mom that bares her chest while pushing a shopping cart and takes selfies for social media to make a point of her right to nurse wherever. She then screams at people for looking at her. Nursing is one thing, being obnoxious is another and many of us have witnessed one or more of these. These are the women that are causing the rest of us to get the treatment we do. The community would have my head for calling any breastfeeding mom obnoxious- but they do exist and they make it difficult for everyone. In my opinion, the crazies on both sides feed the crazies on the opposite side of the field. And the well-intentioned, yet pushy really do more harm than good. In closing, we need to normalize breastfeeding, yes. But in order to do that, we must ACT normally. Last time I checked, no one high fived me for brushing my teeth or going to the bathroom...both are normal and natural, why is breastfeeding any different? We need to respect each other's choices and accept some choices are made for us. Stop condemning the mom that can't or won't breastfeed and stop glaring at the one that does. At the end of the day, the goal is the same- keeping our children fed.